Wednesday 11/08/2023
Took a standard walk in the morning, felt fine. After, went up to the 11th floor and set up the lecternette for use by Peter and the final End of Life session, which was to be a workshop where people could get assistance filling out POLST and Directive forms.
At 1pm I had a haircut. At 4:30 we had our monthly 6th floor meeting. No important business, just a nice get-together. After supper it was time to meet with other fans carpool to a SWBB game. This was the first game I attended this season (there was an exhibition game last week but I stayed here to run an event). And at this game I experienced a complicated mix of strong emotions.
First, on entering through the door onto the upper mezzanine level of Maples Pavilion, and the sound of the Stanford Band hit me, I felt an intense wave of grief. I was close to tears for the next ten minutes sitting waiting for the game to start.
It’s been almost five years since Marian died, and I hadn’t felt this kind of grief in this venue since 2019, the first season after she was gone. For the twenty years prior, 2017 back into the late 90s, Maples and the SWBB team were central to her life and thus to our lives. Since then, in the 20-21, 21-22, and 22-23 seasons, I’ve just basically been a fan, going to home games and keeping tabs on the team, but no strong feelings.
I think what primed me for a major hit on today’s season-opener, was the thinking and feeling I’ve done over the past 6 months watching the PAC-12 dissolve, really internalizing that this is the final season of PAC-12 play. Between that, and the new rules that make the “student-athletes” into “student employees of fan donors”, and transfer rules that encourage the good players to shop around for the best money — starting this time in ’24 everything will change; all the old rivalries and the regular cycle of familiar opponents will be wiped out. And the tradition, and memories with them. So I was primed to feel loss, and it really hit me for a few minutes.
Then that emotion passed, and by the second quarter it was replaced by a different feeling: Boredom! I was just not interested. The players are good, play is just as skilled and intense as ever. But I felt further and further removed from it. I didn’t care. I was literally yawning. I spent some time on my phone, sending an email, during the third quarter. Athletic young women doing athletic things. Eh. That’s nice. Is it over yet?
I’ve been saying, because of the PAC-12 thing and the other stuff, the complete overturn of the old system, that when this season is over, I’m done. Now I’m feeling I may be done before the end.
Codgerville 